Better the Devil She Knows
by Melene96
Summary: Olivia's life took a 180-degree turn because of Lewis. In a sick and twisted way, she could almost thank him. But she'd rather see him burn in hell. How far will she go to turn her wish into reality?
1. Prologue: Matter Over Mind

_And I would be the one to hold you down_  
><em> Kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away<em>  
><em> And after I'd wipe away the tears<em>  
><em> Just close your eyes, dear.<em>

-Sarah McLachlan, "Possession"

* * *

><p>Lewis opens the manila file and thumbs through the papers. "Well Detective Benson, I'm glad to see you've made significant progress despite your horrifying ordeal. It appears that you've had a real breakthrough," he mocks her in his best "shrink" voice. He slinks toward her, and leans in, his scalding breath inches away from her face, as the stench assaults her nostrils. "Unfortunately, this will be our last session," he taunts. He looks over at Dr. Lindstrom cowering in the corner. He runs his gun up her jawline and caresses her cheek with its muzzle before striking the side of her face. He plants the gun under her chin, "But at least you won't die alone." The last thing she hears is the gun exploding.<p>

"No!" Her body jolts upright, and she gulps air into her lungs. For the past two days, she's awakened to her nails tearing at her pillow and sweat clinging to her brow. Her throat burns with a mixture of fear and hatred, and for a few moments, her dream world bleeds into the real one. Her vision comes into focus, and she reaches for Brian, forgetting that he's already at work. She shakes off the last remnants of her nightmare and looks down at the mangled pillow; its feathery guts are strewn across the sheets.

She walks to her bedroom window and pulls back the curtains. She looks across 7th Ave. and watches as hipsters clutch their over-priced coffees and trudge against the stinging cold. Women, draped from head to toe in fur, glide past them walking tiny dogs on bejeweled leashes. She can't help but to laugh at the absurdity of it all. The city streets were filled with countless absurdities.

But at least the real world wasn't as scary as the one that held her hostage every night...inside her head.

**More to come...**


	2. The End in the Beginning

_Hollow as a mountain_  
><em> All tunneled and drilled below<em>  
><em> Hollow as a mountain<em>  
><em> Crowned with a cold, blue sky<em>

_ Silence_  
><em> So loud<em>  
><em> Silence<em>  
><em> I can't tell my up from down<em>

-Alice in Chains, **"**Hollow"

* * *

><p>The secure grip her partner has around her waist reminds her of what's happening.<p>

Her mind conspires against her and distorts her reality. Her body is as exhausted as her mind, and Nick practically has to carry her down the stairs to the morgue.

He shoots his partner a worried glance but her eyes are too glazed over to notice. Olivia was in a daze with only one question buzzing in her brain:

_How will I rebuild my life?_

They reach the bottom of the stairs, and her body goes on autopilot leading her forward on unsteady legs as Nick follows, guiding her with his hand. They're met by Melinda who smiles at them, until she notices Olivia's state. Olivia stares in Warner's direction, not looking at her so much as looking through her.

Melinda concerned eyes lock with Nick's, and he silently tries to convince her that his partner is OK.

A wave of coherence washes over Olivia. "I know you two are talking about me, even if you aren't talking," she whispers. "I'm not an idiot."

Melinda grabs her friend's hand and gives it a squeeze. "I've known you a long time, Olivia Benson, and you are most certainly not an idiot. Stubborn? Well that's another story."

Olivia breaks into a maniacal laughter at her response, and the jarring vibrations bounce off the walls. Melinda and Nick once again exchange looks. She notices that his eyes are not as convincing this time around.

"Are you OK to do this, Liv? I understand if—"

"Let's just get this over with, Mel," she replies with a noticeable edge.

Melinda nods and steps into the refrigerator. A few minutes later, she rolls out a metal slab with a covered body. She stands next to the head and grips the sheet with both hands.

"Ready, Liv?"

She nods her head and closes her eyes to collect herself. She feels the haze return and it clings to her as if it's trying to protect her from the inevitable. She gropes in vain for Nick, and his hand nestles against her back.

She opens her eyes and is transfixed on the corpse. Suddenly, the mental veil evaporates, and her mind lurches forward at warp speed. When she takes in her surroundings she tenses, and her eyes flood with hysteria.

_Is this really happening?_

The abyss threatens to pull her under once more, but Nick's hand on the small of her back anchors her in the moment.

Her eyes dart back to the slab and she can feel the chill from the body seep through her lined leather jacket. She shivers and her teeth crash against each other. Nick's hands leave her back and start rubbing her shoulders, as if to massage the cold out of her bones. She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to block out the dead person before her.

This man has been her catalyst for the past year, and in many ways, an unyielding constant. Her life has been nothing but a series of "firsts" since they crossed paths.

And now it was over, and she had to find her rhythm and rediscover "normal" all over again.

She feels Nick's fingers press a little deeper, and she knows he can sense her drifting in and out. She is grateful for him and his support, but the one man she really wants by her side is gone. Scalding tears form at the mere thought of his name.

Brian.

_He's gone. it's not fair. How will I get through this without him?_

She stares at the deceased man for a third time.

She regrets how things played out because she wanted to do more than just tell him how she felt about him.

She wanted him to experience the depth of her emotions firsthand.


End file.
